Saturday, December 31, 2011

Holiday Season*

Christmas time. A time for spending time with loved ones, for the spirit of giving, for the sound of children's laughter, etc.

Trouble is, I think I might hate the sound of children's laughter. It has the same high-pitched quality as children's crying. I loathe the sound of children crying.

It has its place, I suppose. I don't think its place is on a streetcar at 10:30 p.m. Is it inappropriate to ask someone else's children to use their indoor voices? The volume on my iPod was turned unhealthily all the way up, but I still couldn't drown it out.

Have been slacking for months on actual drinkning challenges. My Christmas wish is for a new drinking challenge. Just not for 8 cans of Kilkenny and a quantity of Glenfiddich, like last year.

*okay, okay. the plan was to let drinking-for-two** enjoy a quiet and peaceful death on the anniversary of the conception/s, which has come and gone. sorry if I'm letting anyone down. just not quite done yet.

in part, i admit, because I haven't quite mastered playing Jingle Bells on my Yamaha synthesizer*** And my mind is set on playing Jingle Bells on my Yamaha synthesizer and recording it so that I can post it for your listening pleasure. At current speed, I may be ready by Valentine's Day.

also, as a creature of habit, I'm not quite sure what I'll do with my spare time if not drinking-for-two, and feel a little panicked whenever I contemplate the end. drinking-for-no-good-reason-at-all as a substitute is not appealing.

also, would like to come up with something particularly cool for my send-off, and haven't come up with anything yet.

also, it appears that I have recently acquired audiences in France, Germany, Russia and Vietnam****, and I'd hate to let two entire continents down by stopping just as they've begun*****.

**or one and a half, whatever

***I've not been adhering to a very strict practice schedule. Not because I am completely musically inept: I mastered the melody as played by my right hand after only about 90 minutes' work. that may sound like a lot to some, but considering i have not attempted to play anything new on piano or keyboard in about 15 years, I felt very accomplished. Reading sheet music is not quite like riding a bicycle. Incorporating my left hand has not been so easy. I am easily both distracted and discouraged, so it's been slow and infrequent going.

****this could all be two people

*****thanks for reading, but see ya, wouldn't wanna be...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

"Maybe the dingo ate your baby."

"What?"

"The dingo ate your baby!"

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Shove It Up Your

I got a voicemail the other day from one of my parental friends who wanted to tell me that his young daughter had asked him that evening if she could put a gerbil in Mr. Potato Head's bum.  He thought that I would find this endlessly amusing.

I was disturbed.  I don't think that there are any preschoolers who would come up with gerbil and rectum as part of the same thought sequence and decide to put the two together, thinking "Of course!!"  Who had this child been hanging out with?  Where would she have heard about such a past time?

The story had been recounted to me out of context, fortunately.  I'd forgotten that along with an assortment of eyes, noses, mouths and hats to choose from, Mr. Potato Head comes with his own butt plug, so that you can store his various parts and other odds and ends inside his cavity.  The child had a new eraser in the shape of a gerbil that she wanted to keep in there.

Relief.  I think three and a half is a little young for the Richard Gere talk, don't you?